Sometimes you just aren’t meant to know.

About a year before my marriage ended I felt something was coming. I realised my husband was becoming more irrational, acting in uncomfortable ways- and I turned to the cards for advice. But as so often happens when we read for ourselves- my fear got tangled in the readings and I just couldn’t get a clear answer.

So I turned to three other readers. One prominent American reader that I total respect, one deeply psychic reader who had been extremely accurate in the past, and one I have know for many years.

They all said very similar things. The knight of cups, ace of cups, and 10 of cups were keys cards in all of the readings. They all talked about our marriage going from strength to strength, a “honeymoon” period, how strong our marriage was, and the words “soul mates” came up more than once.

I was a tad confused- it didn’t quite sit with what I felt. But they were all so much in alignment that I went with it. I threw all my heart into my marriage, surrendered to making it work- and for a few wonderful months it did. Our penultimate Christmas was one of our best together. Maybe our marriage bloomed because I was giving more than was reasonable, but it did. And I left with very precious memories of movies shared, tender moments, and feeling deeply loved.

The shit hit the fan a few months later when he finally went off the rails, and I was left pondering those three Tarot readings. I was angry at first. Why had the information been so wrong? It took me a while to work it through, and this is where I came to.

· If I had known exactly how bad it was going to get, and for how long- I think I would have felt like giving up. I could not have stopped this happening, so knowing would just have made it harder.

· I was left with some very happy memories, which these readings helped me to create.

· When I finally left it was with a genuine knowledge that I had done everything possible to make my marriage work. The readings gave me hope. That inspired me to try, and that left me with no regrets- a deep comfort.

Sometimes the cards tell us what we need to know. That isn’t always the full truth, and it isn’t always what we asked.

I did a reading for a client recently, asking about a new-born member of her family. The baby was unwell, and under medical care. The cards spoke of joy, happiness and love. The 10 of cups and ace of cups were important cards in the spread. I talked about how loved the baby was, and how much love she would bring into her family’s life. It was a beautiful spread, filled with hope. A few days later I heard that the baby had passed. I sat with the reading and contemplated- had I read it right? Had I handled that space well? The client reached out – she felt comforted by the reading, as if my reading had somehow reached past this life and indicated that all was still well.

I always ask that any reading – I do, or receive - be for the highest good.

Sometimes my ego is like a spoilt child. Wanting to KNOW the answers in a devil-may-care way, with no regard to the consequences. That is why I always whisper the blessing before hand "for the highest good"